u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
