...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
