just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
