So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
