I am puke
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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