remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Fuck appropriateness.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
