if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
