Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
