Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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