put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
