Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
