Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
