At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
