Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
oh god was she eating orange peels again
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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