I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
