there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
