Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
