Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
