not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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