Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
