..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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