threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
