Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize