I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
