conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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