bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
