Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
