"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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