is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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