Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize