I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
