Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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