if i can run in heels then i can drive
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
