Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
