It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
