She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
