am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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