i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I would ride that face into the sunset
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
