Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
