Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize