Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
