He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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