Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
