My nipple is on Facebook.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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