in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
