Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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