i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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