First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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