first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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