What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
