I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
