I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
