I want to make a zoo with you.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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