you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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