I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize