New low: just hacked my moms facebook
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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