Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
