isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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