Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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