I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
