dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
