Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
