I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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