apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
